Well, what a god damn month! My car got stranded twice in -20c, eventually I abandoned it in a ditch and booked a ticket to the Costa Blanca for a week to get away from the snow. BIG MISTAKE.
My trusty old travel bag broke a few hours before leaving, so I upgraded my luggage online and went to print my new ticket, my printer died. It took 4 hours of messing around to get it fixed, I got so mad I set fire to my old trusty bag. I hired a driver through an Eastern European friend who assured me he'd get me to the airport, what I wasn't expecting was a mafia get away driver who did a journey that takes 4-5 hours on a good day in 3 hours through thick ice and snow. My nail marks are still imprinted on his passenger seat! I did ask him to slow down, but he didn't speak English, just nodded and said 'Da'.
Despite having insatiable wanderlust, I hate flying, it's a big old fear of mine so my doctor prescribes me valium, I often avoid taking them so have a lot built up in my cupboard from previous trips. In my rush I grabbed a box of them and forgot my prescription, this meant I was ultimately now carrying a class B substance, that's 5 years in jail here. An hour into the drive I opened the box and discovered I'd put two packets in one box. I was staying in a hotel for 24 hours before flying, and, with the crazy driver giving me panic attacks I take a few hoping to get rid of them quickly. I arrive at my hotel still adrenalised from the drive so take a few more, but can't sleep, so take a few more. In the end I have 4 left for the flight out of about 40......I don't recall taking them, getting to the airport, the vigorous search as I did Mr Soft impressions through customs, or the flight itself.
I'm met by a Spanish driver at the other side, but was so out of it, I could barely speak English let alone Spanish. I finally reach my hotel, it's lovely! The sun is shining so I figure I'll head to the beach, get some fresh air and come around a little. I go back to my hotel and get a coffee, only to discover I misread and hadn't booked all inclusive. I upgrade without issue, have a lovely meal and head to bed.
The next morning I awake, finally fully conscious, but noticing that it feels rather chilly. I peel back my black out curtain and guess what? IT'S SNOWING! The Costa Blanca is completely god damn Blanca! PUTA MADRE ESPANA! I take my sim out of my phone to avoid the roaming charges and go for coffee. I return to the room to discover the cleaner has binned my SIM!!! I have free WiFi so connect and use my online London business number to phone a phone company at home, the lady doesn't understand and thinks I want roaming switched on, eventually, after much shouting she cancels my SIM completely. I already want to go home! The hotel hasn't seen snow in 75 years so is completely unprepared, it's freezing, in fact, due to the damp in the air it feels colder than -20. There's nothing to do here when it snows, so, Drambuie it is. The bar staff manage to keep me sane.
The next day is more pleasant, I walk for 4 hours along a secret bit of coastline that most tourists don't know about. I reach the end of the walk and suddenly feel that horrid tingling in my nose and throat, by the time I get back to the hotel I notice a lot of guests with the Flu. F$£@@ING GREAT, ANYTHING ELSE?!!??!? YEP!!! For the remainder of my stay the Costa Blanca gets battered with torrential rain and gale force winds, all the hotels get damaged including mine. My flu eventually arrives and I end up in bed with a really bad fever watching awful documentaries. My housekeeper calls me on Skype to tell me the sink is leaking, the chimney is blocked and she thinks she's about to have an epileptic seizure. I make it to dinner half dead, go to walk through a door out of the rain, when a complete dick face called Antonio tells me I can't use that door and have to walk around, in the rain in an evening dress........Let's just say he's the only person I've ever humiliated and not charged.
My driver arrives at 4am for my transfer, the roads are closed, trees are downed, a short drive takes 2 hours. I board my flight, we go to take off, it's so windy the plane shudders from side to side and as we leave the ground the wings almost hit the floor, but, by now I didn't care less. I landed in snow in -10c 3 hours later. I get into the getaway drivers car and he floors it once more, but this time I couldn't wait to get home.
I die on my sofa for a day then decide to try and recover my car. I hire 3 men and a land rover, but no luck. Eventually I hire a monster snowplow which drags it out like a rag doll destroying my steering and something underneath. I laugh manically and go back inside.
So, if any fellow Dommes thinks 'That bitch has all the luck', be safe in the knowledge that I just paid for that luck in 25 days. On an up note, some skiing people want to rent my house for a month next January meaning I can rent a villa in the Canaries for a month.....Bet it f£$@ing snows!
I should add, while playing with some wild doves I did have some good luck! I stumbled upon an 18ct gold diamond ring!
Change of plan
January 21, 2018
Hello lowly ones!
The 1st of November brought amazing news, and, in turn, I've decided to make some big changes in the way people serve m...